I have been thinking a lot about goals and the future, as I am sure many are at this time of year. I have been thinking about where I see myself in 5 years and the type of person I am now and who I want to be. I have also been thinking about the past (my 10 year high school reunion is coming up this summer!!!) and where I thought I’d be in life at 28. I am about to be brutally honest and I hope I have the courage to leave this post up rather than be a coward and delete it right after I publish it.
Let me start by stating I really enjoy my life right now. I have high job satisfaction, even though it can be stressful at times. I love living with my twin sister. I have quality friends that are drama free and we all support one another. I have a church calling that isn’t too difficult or time consuming. Of course there are always things that I need to work on and nothing is ever perfect, but I don’t have much to complain about in general.
Then there is this other side of me that nags, “This is not what you wanted nor is it where you saw your self 10 years ago.” This other side of me is miserable and lonely. I follow lots of blogs (shocker!!) and I am so happy for my friends and truly love hearing about their lives, most of whom are wives and mothers. I know that everyone has their own trials and challenges, but this other side of me can’t help but be jealous when they write about play dates and birthday parties and post pictures of their cutie-pies doing something funny. I want that. I see my sisters and I know how difficult motherhood is, but I was taught from a very young age that to be a wife and mother in
I never thought I’d be single at 27. I thought I’d get married to my college sweetheart (after graduation of course), work for a couple of years, and then have kids in my late twenties. I was not prepared to be perpetually single. I blame Young Womens- all my leaders said that it would be a challenge to NOT get married in college. They didn’t prepare us for the possibility that we’d be single, though President Hinckley mentioned several times that not all of us would get married in this life (RS General Meeting September 2002 or 2003).
So basically I am struggling with this duality in my life. One side is content and fulfilled while the other is mad, bitter, and frustrated. I am sure duality in desires is common place, “we always want what we can’t have” kind of deal, but I am wondering how I can suppress the other side of me so I’m not constantly reminded of what I lack. I guess I can pray about it, prayer works miracles.
